Hi, I'm Cristina Marie

Who Am I?

This is a question I’ve been pondering since I was a little girl.

Physically, I would be told I looked like many things. The question, “What are you?” was a common one growing up. Yet the way I spoke, I was told, was not so exotic.

Not hispanic enough to be hispanic, not white enough to be white – “I am culturally ambiguous!” I would joke and say back.

But deep down it really bothered me- who, or what, was I?

Thus began the search for my true identity.

From a very early age, this disconnect with my own genuine identity was a confusing one for me. Since everyone around me seemed to have the answer to this question, I began subconsciously molding into whatever, or whoever, was around me at that moment – I was practically a mirror to whoever I was with.

Enter, my first identity – the chameleon.

Although I didn’t know that I was just emulating what was around me, this idea of being a chameleon felt like a true identity of mine. It felt really good inside that I could make anyone I talked to feel comfortable around me. I made many “friends” this way.

As much as the chameleon identity was going well, I felt like I wasn’t very special, like I didn’t stick out amongst my peers.. until I got on a stage.

I began singing before I could talk, joining my first choir at the age of 4. Music was my escape.

I performed in my first talent show in the 2nd grade, I was 7 years old, and I will never forget the applause at the end of my song. The audience standing and cheering, the older kids giving me high fives backstage, adults looking at me in the eyes and telling me how amazing I did. My parents were so proud of me that day, I was a superstar and it felt so good.

This was my new identity – the performer.

I continued singing and performing in musical theater throughout my childhood and into high school. Looking back, I am so grateful for the roles that I played. Being so vulnerable to answering this question of “who am I?”, I was thankfully given roles that gave me new life – I became each of these roles as I was playing and took parts of each one with me into my real life.

I was in the 4th grade when I played Brigitta from the Sound of Music. The moment I got on stage, I was no longer my shy, culturally ambiguous self- I was a young, confident, intelligent 7 year old girl, with lots of siblings who all sang and danced together. It was a dream.

My most memorable role was playing Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz in the 9th grade. This role truly gave me confidence in myself – both through the strong character and leader that Dorothy was in the musical, and also from working side by side with extremely talented adults who gave me a lot of encouragement and support. This was at a time where I was brand new in a school a million times bigger than my previous one, and I knew no one.

But no matter the talent, no matter my love for being on stage, true passion is what is needed for it to be a true calling – I was good at singing, I loved acting, but it was very clear that I was not passionate about either. This was made crystal clear when I went to college on a vocal performance scholarship, yet absolutely dreaded going to any rehearsals, and I felt like I didn’t align with the dreams and aspirations of anyone in the program. I couldn’t see myself pursuing music full time, so I decided to leave music and pursue Nursing.

I wouldn’t have said it back then, I didn’t know it really, but I pursued Nursing because it was something that got a lot of praise from those around me. It was respected and it gave me an identity. Nursing school was not an easy road for me. At one point, right before my last semester, I scheduled a meeting with the dean in a panic. I told her that I thought I chose the wrong career. She assured me that I was on the right path and was going to have a wonderful career ahead of me, so I pushed through and graduated.

In comes my new identity – the nurse.

I immediately began working and put my 1000% into it. I studied everyday and researched anything I didn’t know on the spot as soon as I got home. Nothing about nursing came easy to me except for creating true connections with each one of my patients.

Working in Brain Injury, every day you are face to face with a family’s darkest time and usually unimaginable traumatic accidents that led them there. I felt the calling to be that light for the families- to make them smile, make them laugh. I treated every patient as if they were my own family member. I truly wanted the very best for every single patient.

This dedication led me to receiving 2 DAISY awards and 1 nomination in just 2 years. I was flowing, I was given an identity as a nurse and I wore it proud. But after a while, I felt like I hit a ceiling, like I plateaued. I felt like there was more I was supposed to be doing.

Being a nurse answered my existential question of “Who Am I” – until it didn’t anymore.

2020 hit.

I feel like at this point, the moment “2020” is written anywhere, everyone knows what it means. So, yes – 2020 hit.

The world stopped, humanity paused. A surplus of what-ifs and questions with no answers surged everyones consciousness.

But above it all was the silence that accompanied – the overwhelming time of introspection.

All of a sudden, I looked in the mirror and realized that, beyond the titles, beyond the personas played, beyond what others told me I was, beyond the “me” that I would build depending on where I was or who I was with, I had no idea who I really was.

This cathartic moment set ripples in my life – it was the moment in which I realized that I needed to stop wasting time trying to find out what label I was trying to identify myself with, and instead start learning who I really was deep down inside.

This is why I made CM.

I want to document my journey in this quest – all of the lessons I have learned and continue learning, the books I have read, movies, tv shows, documentaries, my deep dives on people and places that have taught me so much, the music that has changed my life, the moments that have left a huge imprint on my heart.

This journey of self- discovery has given life to my innate fascination with the human experience – by seeking to truly live my own life, I have found so much joy in seeing others live their lives. Through travel to places far and near, seeing how different societies work, how different people live life, the role environment plays in how one conducts themselves.

This journey of seeking to answer the question of “Who Am I?” has led me to becoming an active player in my own life, and truly experiencing every beautiful thing that there is in life. I have found so much joy in making otherwise simple moments into unforgettable experiences.

I seek to feel every emotion, to taste every flavor, to smell every scent and hear every magical tune that makes up the soundtrack of our lives.

CM is a place where I can document and bring light into the beauty that is life because I know I am not the only one on this journey. It’s a place to spread ideas, share in knowledge, exchange perspectives, and simply grow as human beings.

CM also stands for “Create Memories”, my slogan in life.

Living in the everyday, without intentionally seeking to create memories, is simply going through the motions – it’s just pretending to live life, and life is way too precious to go day after day, minute after minute, simply pretending.

So, “Who Am I?”,

that answer is still being written.

Thank you for being here for the ride- I’m so excited to see where this road leads.