Inside my mind is a place I am all too familiar with.
As a kid, my imagination created my reality. Most of my memories were made up in my own mind based on bits and pieces of the real world harmoniously strung together by my own imagination.
I’m grateful for it- it made my life more exciting, I felt more accepted and less lonely. But as I’ve gotten older, my mind has become more of a complex, intricate place than a fun, imaginative one. Quieting my mind and staying present has become something that sometimes almost feels impossible.
Upon arriving to Salt Lake City, it was the end of an 8 month period of darkness, one of the hardest periods of my life for many reasons.
The freedom and light that had been stripped from me in the months prior, was coming back with a vengeance.
Almost like the intensity of that first blinding glimpse of the shining sun in the morning upon opening the blinds in the morning after a deep sleep.
So much of what we had dreamed was finally a reality, but I was so trapped in my mind that I really struggled to take it all in. I felt a surge of competing emotions as we drove into the city. So much doubt, anxiety, fear as well as excitement, peace and joy.
“My mind is so loud right now” I told my husband as we went to have breakfast one morning.
I felt as though my mind couldn’t catch up with my body.
I had spent the months prior defending myself so much, protecting myself, learning what I needed in my life and making some of the hardest decisions based on those lessons. So much of my reality had to be in my mind those 8 months prior because if I let myself take in the reality, I would’ve truly hit rock bottom.
With all of the practice from childhood of creating worlds in my mind, I got really good at it and, 8 months in, I was truly living in my mind.
This conflict of reality and of imagination intensified as we made our way into the Mountain West, finally boiling over into a deep loss of a sense of identity.
I didn’t know who I was – I felt like I had lost so much of myself, like I shed so many layers that I didn’t even know who I was today.
There I was, at a lovely breakfast with my husband on an amazingly beautiful day, living the life we had only dreamed of just months prior, yet my mind was thinking about these crazy hypotheticals, absurd outcomes of the future, and the most insane worries about my life and the path I was on.
I was starting to get desperate, feeling like I was so close to bursting out of the shell of walls that I had created, but needing that final push. I asked for a sign, something that would help ground me into the present.
As we walked back from breakfast, a Subaru drove by with a license plate that spelled out “BE HERE”. I silently smiled and thanked the universe for the sign. I hugged my husband and even shed a few tears.
It’s so easy, especially in today’s world, to physically be somewhere, yet mentally be in a completely different place. Going through the motions, building up worry or anxiety, carrying over feelings from the day before just kicking the can down the road, and letting it consume the moment that lies in front of us.
That Subaru will always be imprinted in my mind – it will forever serve as a reminder to stay in the present and not allow my mind to run the show.
Be Here.
Be Present.
It’s not a one and done. It takes a strong, active, ongoing effort to remind ourselves and pull ourselves back into the present. It’s something that comes in waves, something I am constantly working on.
Whether that means, leaving the phone at home when catching up with a friend, practicing yoga every morning to start with a clear mind, doing an aura cleansing meditation every so often, going to a symphony concert and letting the mind be transported by the instruments, reading a book, going to the park, journaling…
Finding ways to snap myself back into the present has been crucial to my journey of keeping myself in the now.
If we’re not present, if we’re not HERE, then our whole life will get ahead of us. True, genuine memories can not be created if we aren’t being HERE to make them. Simply physically being in places or with people does not make them memories – being both mentally and physically present is what matters.
Here’s to never allowing the mind from completely hijacking the vehicle that is our lives. Our lives are way too precious to be wasting time in the infinite realms that our minds can be as we continue living in our day to day.
What are ways in which we can practice being present, being here?
As always, sending you lots of love <3
Until next time,
Cristina Marie
