I don’t binge-watch shows often, but this last Winter I binge-watched all 6 seasons of The Crown. And with any good show, I had formed my opinions, speculations and even criticism of certain characters or decisions they made.
It’s like the classic arm- chair quarterback.
(If only every coach listened to these men yelling from their recliners at home- maybe they would actually win…)
This addiction to drama has led media to a pretty negative place, with the increase of popularity around the bigger and more dramatic. The news has become so graphic and so focused on the drama that I feel people have become so disassociated with the humans actually involved.
I think that this addiction to the juicy drama has infiltrated into the way people perceive life, almost like the brain can’t differentiate when it’s drama on tv versus someone’s actual life.
Last summer was a very hard period of time for my husband and I. We were hit from all different angles at a very fast pace, all in such a short amount of time.
We have always remained very calm through adversity and always strive to make the best of any situation that we are in, with the goal of coming out on the other end even stronger than before.
But everyone, no matter how strong, needs genuine support- especially when hitting rock bottom.
Little did we know, that for the people we called our teammates, that we would actually just be characters on the next episode of The Crown, as far as drama went.
We became the subjects of the latest reality tv show for the ones who we were leaning on the most.
The ones who we were simply wanting warmth and love from while we picked up the pieces and brushed our knees off, seemed to only be interested in the irrelevant details, in the unnecessary what-ifs, in forming and giving opinions (when neither was asked for) and in pure speculation and gossip than actually being present with how this was all affecting us.
We simply became another source of entertainment.
It was a hard time made even harder, quite frankly, by the ones who we thought were going to help in making it better – something that scarred me deeply, yet has made me stronger today.
From the lens of empathy, I feel that, although ultimately there may be genuine love, if someone isn’t present with their own lives and grounded within themselves, they simply don’t know how to respond to a time of need for someone else.
But because it was such a rough time for us, a feeling that I would never want someone else to experience, I wanted to write out some “Do’s & Don’t’s” for showing genuine love to someone going through a rough time.
The Don’ts:
- Don’t make someone talk until they’re ready; don’t force anyone to tell you anything they are not ready to tell you.
- Don’t ask for more details than what they are willing and ready to share.
- Don’t give advice unless they ask for it (“do you want comfort or advice?”).
- Don’t reprimand while they’re sharing with you. Don’t give them any “I told you so’s” or “well that’s why you don’t do ___” or “I’ve always told you not to do ___” – it’s not the time.
- Don’t ask unnecessary questions (make sure you’re not trying to simply feed the gossipy narrative – it’s not a reality tv show).
- Don’t take it personal if they don’t immediately reply (they need time and space).
- Don’t make anything about you … ANYTHING.
- Don’t hold anything they say or do during this time as who they are – this is a time of grief, let them sort themselves out.
- Don’t just say or do things because “that’s just what you do”. Dig deep in your heart and ask yourself what your intention is behind an action before doing it.
The Do’s:
- Do be a listening ear, a crying shoulder (remember to ask them, “do you want comfort or advice?”) and then only give them that.
- Do reach out simply telling them that you love them and that you are there for them when they’re ready (as many times as they need, WITHOUT expecting a reply back – do it from your heart).
- Do send constant reminders of your love – a handwritten card, their favorite food, a book you think they’d love. Nothing extravagant, just small acts of love that you know would mean a lot to them.
- Do remind yourself that they are not going to act like their normal selves right now and genuinely be okay with that.
- Do remember that they are grieving and that grief is dealt with in all different ways – be a support, and be open to how they tell you they need support.
- Do intentionally send them positive energy with out expectations of them thanking you.
- Do remember that actions speak louder than words. Don’t just say “I’m here if you need anything”, proactively think of what they may need and just do it with no desire for recognition, simply do it because you want to see them thrive. (Think of some of the most basic human needs and fill some of them (food, hygiene, transportation, a laugh, a cry, a hug).
- Do put your ego aside when being of help to them. They may not say thank you every time you do something for them, or respond every time you say thank you, but if you are doing things from your heart, just seeing them beginning to thrive should be enough for you.
- Do celebrate their victories, big and small, and intentionally go out of your way to try to cheer them up when you are with them. (Remember that this isn’t a “normal” time for them. Don’t expect them to be the life of the party, or to organize their own events, even if that’s what they do in “normal” times.)
Messages You Can Send That Actually Mean Something:
- “Hey, thinking of you. I’m here and ready to chat or just be a listening ear whenever you’re ready.”
- “I thought of you today while doing ___. Sending you lots of love and know that I’m always here when you’re ready to chat.”
- “I would love to chat, even if it’s about random things so you can just disconnect. Call me whenever you’re ready to talk, I’ll be here 🙂”
- “I love you and I’m here for you whenever you’re ready to talk.”
- “I’m so proud of everything you’re doing. Here and ready to talk whenever you are.”
The worst thing anyone can do for someone is add drama, speculation, criticism and gossip to an already low point – don’t make their low point lower.
At the core of it all, we just need to practice being more intentional people, especially with our loved ones, and dig deep to find that true desire to be present and authentic with every relationship.
When a person is in need, the focus and energy should all go into simply building that person up, into getting your teammate strong and back on the field, even if that means just giving them space.
Everything else needs to be left for the entertainment on tv.
Because if not, then what’s the point?
If you’re going through a hard time now, just know it will not always be this way. Keep your head up and focus all of your energy on the future, on your plan.
As always, sending you lots of love.
Until next time,
Cristina Marie
