A fish won’t swim on land. An apple won’t grow off of a cactus. Things don’t thrive unless they’re in the right conditions.
Same with people.
Where I grew up, I was very “different” from those around me. I wouldn’t say I had a bad childhood. In fact, I have a lot of beautiful memories from childhood. I was just very different.
Unbeknownst to me then, I hid and buried my true self out of embarrassment and shame. I was a sponge to those around me, I wanted to blend in what what I saw around me so that I could be somewhat unperceived. I thought it was just “what you did”.
I hated the color of my hair, I hated that I spoke another language, I hated the fact that my family didn’t do the things my friends’ families did. Little did I know, it was because I just wanted to be accepted.
Where I grew up, unless you fit in a small irrational box, you were swimming upstream.
Again, unbeknownst to me, these feelings of unworthiness continued into adulthood, except from unworthiness, the feelings had developed into feeling lost, feeling hopeless and confused about my future and what path I was even on… until my first trip to New York.
When I was 22, my best friend was living in the heart of New York City. On a whim, we planned a trip for me to go up and visit her. My mind was rocked.
The freedom, the confidence exuding from those who walked by, the creativity that flowed up and down every street- it was something I had never seen or felt before.
Hopping on the subway to get from one world to the next, every stop with its own unique flavor, no person like the next. I saw colors and lights I had truly never seen before.
For that one week, I was 100% me- in a way I had never been able to be before. I wore whatever I wanted, I acted however I wanted, I sang when I wanted to sing, I danced when I wanted to dance.
Going back to my hometown after that trip, I was a changed woman. Goals and dreams were created from seeing ways of living and things I never even knew existed.
I came back wanting to see more.
This feeling of truly being “me” was felt again the first time I went to Europe and increasingly every time thereafter. Lands that allowed me to flow and create, it’s almost as if my mind was unlocked a little bit more every time I went to these creative lands, yet it was so hard to reach that level of freedom upon returning to the place I was calling ‘home’.
Leaving Austria the first time, after spending 5 weeks there, was met with an uncontrollable sob at the airport. I felt like a bird that was set to fly when we would travel somewhere and forced back into its cage when we would fly back home.
How could this be? How could a place that had been my “home” since birth feel so far from where I was supposed to be? How could lands so far away feel so warm and inviting? How could lands and people I had never met feel more like “home” than where my mailing address had been my whole life?
What I realized is that the place I was calling “home” at the time, were lands that were just not fruitful for me. It was as if I could only reach a certain point and then growth would stop. I felt stuck and, eventually, I felt like it began sucking nutrients out of me rather than nurturing me. Instead of being challenged, stimulated or inspired by what was around me, I was being criticized and ridiculed for seeking more. I was beginning to see very differently than the people around me, values- wise, which began to really be detrimental.
In 2020, my husband, feeling just as stuck as I was, and I decided it was time to make a change. Against the hesitations and opinions of those around us, we ripped the bandaid and moved to the mountains.
It was the best decision we’ve ever made.
It was the start of the next chapter of our lives. A chapter where we have been able to authentically be ourselves, in lands that allow us to truly grow. Lands that challenge us and push us to grow even bigger and better.
Every land is meant for someone, but the land that you were born in may not be your fruitful land. I am a huge proponent in the need for travel and exposure to the world. Challenge the perspectives and beliefs you grew up with. If you feel even slightly that you are not in complete flow, take a look around you – your job, the people you surround yourself with, the lands you live in, and try to see outside of that just to see what you find.
I know for my husband and I, it’s been a complete game changer- when you reach your lands, growth and possibility become effortless.
A fish swims effortlessly in the water. An apple grows effortlessly off of a tree. A rose blooms effortlessly from a bush.
Seek an environment that allows you to grow and thrive effortlessly in your everyday.
Sometimes it does take effort to silence the noise around you, but it’s so worth it. Spend all of your energy in finding your environment that allows you to flap your wings far and wide.
Something I have had to remind myself over and over, especially in times of unwarranted opinions from those around us, is that I am the only one that will have to look back at my own decisions at 100 years old and see what I made with my life.
Make it a life that you’re so proud of- it’s nobody’s life but yours.
Because if not, then what’s the point?
As always, sending you lots of love <3
Until next time,
Cristina Marie
